What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull. — Wilhelm Trübner (1877). Dog with Sausages [Oil on panel]. Alte Nationalgalerie, Berlin, Germany.

Why are elephants wrinkly? Have you ever tried to iron one?!

wine /wʌɪn/ n. 1. an alcoholic drink made from fermented grape juice. 2. a hug in a glass.

Tell people there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and they’ll believe you. Tell them a bench has wet paint on it, and they’ll have to touch to be sure. — Murphy’s law on project management

Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic.’ — Judith Leyster (1629). The Merry Drinker (Jolly Toper) [Oil on canvas]. Frans Hals Museum, Haarlem.

A woman walked into the doctors. The doctor said, ‘I haven’t seen you in a long time.’ The woman replied, ‘I know, I’ve been ill.’ — Tommy Cooper —

Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure? It was a little shellfish.

So I said to the Gym instructor, ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ She said, ‘How flexible are you? I said, ‘I can’t make Tuesdays.’ — Tommy Cooper —