What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.

The fact that there’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

‘I hate when you treat me like an object.’ ‘ Would you like to be a class?’

What do you call a group of unorganized cats? A CAT-astrophe.

I make wine disappear. What’s your superpower?

I love the smell of my F5 key — it’s very refreshing.

Always draw your curves, then plot your reading. — Murphy’s technology laws.

I went to the doctor the other day. I said, ‘Have you got anything for wind?’ So she gave me a kite. – Tommy Cooper –

Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you forget the question.

human resources /hjuːmən rɪˈsɔːsɪz/ n. 1. the personnel of a business or organization, regarded as a significant asset in terms of skills and abilities. 2. the unofficial lawyer, psychologist, event planner, teacher, peacemaker, career planner, detective.

‘With Agile we don’t really do upfront analysis.”But how do you provide the customer with an estimate?”We don’t — we simply ask the customer how much money they have… the project ends when the money ends.’

Please don’t scare me: I poop easily.

Whiteboards are remarkable.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities. I said, ‘That’s great. Well, I have a serious drinking opportunity.’

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments. — Diego Velázquez (1618). The Three Musicians [Oil on canvas]. Gemäldegalerie, Staatliche Museen zu Berlin, Berlin.

A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection. – Murphy’s law on agile project management

‘Dad, I’m gonna go out with a female friend.’ ‘Be careful, girls nowadays only think about one thing…’ ‘Sex?’ ‘No… machine learning.’