A man walks into a doctor’s office. ‘What seems to be the problem?’ asks the doc.

‘It’s … um … well … I have five penises.’ replies the man. ‘Blimey!’ says the doctor, ‘How do your trousers fit?’ ‘Like a glove.’

— Tommy Cooper —

Alcohol, the best “night-time, speech slurring, headache creating, dehydration having, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance” medicine.

How do you impress a female baker?

Bring her flours!

management consultant /ˈmanɪdʒm(ə)nt kənˈsʌlt(ə)nt/ n. 1. a person or company that gives professional advice about how to run a company or organization more effectively. 2. someone who tells you how to improve doing something that s/he can’t do at all.

The sooner you begin coding, the later you finish. — Francisco José de Goya y Lucientes (1824/1825). Monk Talking to an Old Woman [Watercolor]. Princeton University Art Museum, Princeton.

All great discoveries are made by mistake. — Murphy’s laws on technology.

Our ice cream woman was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that she topped herself.

— Tommy Cooper —

The person who invented the door knock won the… No-bell prize.

Drinking game for web devs: (1) Think of a noun (2) Google “.js” (3) If a library with that name exists – drink (@ironshay, Twitter).

I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. — Michelangelo Merisi, called Caravaggio (c. 1604). Saint John the Baptist in the Wilderness [Oil on canvas]. Nelson-Atkins Museum of Art, Kansas City.