So I rang up a local building firm.

I said, ‘I want a skip outside my house.’

She said, ‘I’m not stopping you.’

— Tommy Cooper —

Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a “Pearl Harbor File.” — Murphy’s laws on IT.

If you don’t know how to do a task, start it, then ten people who know less than you will tell you how to do it. — Koloman Moser (1904). Picture book for the niece of Ditha Mautner von Markhof [Collage on paper]. Sammlung Richard Grubman und Caroline Mortimer, Cambridge.

logic /ˈlɒdʒɪk/ n. 1. reasoning conducted or assessed according to strict principles of validity. 2. the art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding (Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil’s Dictionary.).

Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches. When you can no longer get the straw in the hole, you’ve had enough. — Hendrick ter Brugghen (1625). The Merry Drinker [Oil on canvas]. Centraal Museum, Utrecht.

When all else fails, read the instructions. — Murphy’s laws on technology and science.

To err is human. To blame it on someone else shows management potential.

What’s green and sings? Elvis Parsley.

Please, tell your pants it’s not polite to point. — Titian (1555/1558). Girl with a Basket of Fruits (Lavinia) [Oil on canvas]. Gemäldegalerie, Berlin.

Two cannibals eating a clown.

One says to the other, ‘Does this taste funny to you?’

— Tommy Cooper —