If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments. — Diego Velázquez (1618). The Three Musicians [Oil on canvas]. Gemäldegalerie, Staatliche Museen zu Berlin, Berlin.

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. — Vincent van Gogh (1890). The siesta (after Millet) [Oil on canvas]. Musee d’Orsay, Paris.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. — Frank Cadogan Cowper (1906). A Merciles Beaute [Oil on canvas]. Private Collection.

The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth. — Michelangelo Merisi, called Caravaggio (c.1594). The Fortune Teller [Oil on canvas]. Musei Capitolini, Rome.

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull. — Wilhelm Trübner (1877). Dog with Sausages [Oil on panel]. Alte Nationalgalerie, Berlin, Germany.

Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic.’ — Judith Leyster (1629). The Merry Drinker (Jolly Toper) [Oil on canvas]. Frans Hals Museum, Haarlem.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. — Michelangelo Merisi, called Caravaggio (c. 1598). Medusa [Oil on canvas mounted on wood]. Uffizi, Florence.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. (The Duchess of Padua, play by Oscar Wilde.) — Frank Cadogan Cowper (1919). Vanity II [Oil on canvas]. Private Collection.

If winning isn’t everything, why do they keep score? — Nicolas Régnier (1620-1622). Cardsharps and Fortune Teller [Oil on canvas]. Museum of Fine Arts, Budapest.

With a calendar, your days are numbered. — Titian (1512). Portrait of Pietro Aretino [Oil on canvas]. Galleria Marco Voena, Milano.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your partner is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. It will shut up once you let it in. — Pierre Bonnard (1891). Woman with Dog [Oil on canvas]. Clark Art Institute, Williamstown.

Dogs have masters. Cats have staff. — Marc Chagall (1911). Man at table [Oil on canvas].

Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children. — Titian (1515/1518). Violante [Oil on canvas]. Kunsthistorisches Museum, Vienna.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. — Unknown author (1400–50). The Travels of Sir John Mandeville [Manuscript]. British Library, London.

If you don’t know how to do a task, start it, then ten people who know less than you will tell you how to do it. — Koloman Moser (1904). Picture book for the niece of Ditha Mautner von Markhof [Collage on paper]. Sammlung Richard Grubman und Caroline Mortimer, Cambridge.

Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches. When you can no longer get the straw in the hole, you’ve had enough. — Hendrick ter Brugghen (1625). The Merry Drinker [Oil on canvas]. Centraal Museum, Utrecht.

Please, tell your pants it’s not polite to point. — Titian (1555/1558). Girl with a Basket of Fruits (Lavinia) [Oil on canvas]. Gemäldegalerie, Berlin.

Having one child makes you a parent. Having two makes you a referee. — Bernhard Strigel (1516/1520). Emperor Maximilian I with His Family [Oil on lime]. Kunsthistorisches Museum Wien, Vienna.

The sooner you begin coding, the later you finish. — Francisco José de Goya y Lucientes (1824/1825). Monk Talking to an Old Woman [Watercolor]. Princeton University Art Museum, Princeton.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. — Michelangelo Merisi, called Caravaggio (c. 1604). Saint John the Baptist in the Wilderness [Oil on canvas]. Nelson-Atkins Museum of Art, Kansas City.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it? — Thomas Gainsborough (1772, retouched 1785). Elizabeth and Mary Linley [Oil on canvas]. Dulwich Picture Gallery, Dulwich.

When in doubt, mumble. — Alexej von Jawlensky (1909). Portrait of a Girl [Oil on cardboard]. Museum Kunstpalast, Düsseldorf.

Too few people on a project can’t solve the problems – too many create more problems than they solve. — Pieter Bruegel the Elder (1562). The Fall of the Rebel Angels [Oil on panel]. Royal Museums of Fine Arts of Belgium, Brussels.

All project managers face problems on Monday mornings… good project managers are working on next Monday’s problems.

Trial and error, but mostly error. Like, a shitload of error.