Any project can be estimated accurately, once it’s completed…
1. Someone walks into a…
The project manager walks into the boss’ office and says, “Here is the bottom line budget needed for the success of the project.”
The boss says, “What can you do for half the money?”
The project manager says, “Fail.”
The boss says, “When can you get started?”
The project manager says, “I think I just did.
Source: jokester.com
2. The Genie
Three people: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says “Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish.”
The hardware engineer went first. “I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries.” The genie granted the wish and sent that person off to St. Thomas.
The software engineer went next. “I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries.” The genie granted the wish and sent that person off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the project manager’s turn. “And what would your wish be?” asked the genie. “I want them both back after lunch” replied the project manager.
Source: workjoke.com
3. Types of Project Managers: which one are you?
If you get in my way, I’ll kill you! – ideal project manager
If you get in my way, you’ll kill me! – somewhat less than ideal project manager
If I get in my way, I’ll kill you! – somewhat misguided project manager
If I get in your way, I’ll kill you! – a tough project manager (eats glass, live cats, etc.)
If get kill in will way I you. – dyslexic, functionally illiterate project manager
I am the way! Kill me if you can! – messianic project manager
Get away, I’ll kill us all! – suicidal project manager
If you kill me, I’ll get in your way. – thoughtful but ineffective project manager
If I kill you I’ll get in your way. – project manager who has trouble dealing with the obvious
If a you getta ina my way, I gonna breaka you arm. – project manager from New York
I am quite confident that there is nothing in the way, so no one will get killed. – project manager who is about to get in big trouble
If you kill me, so what? If you get in my way, who cares? – weak, uninspired, lackluster project manager
If I kill me, you’ll get your way. – pragmatic project manager
If we get in each other’s way, who will get killed? – an utterly confused manager
Kill me, it’s the only way. – every project manager to date.
Source: humor.com
4. The Hot Air Balloon
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a woman down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
“Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend. I would meet her half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The woman below says, “Yes, you are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West longitude.”
“You must be a programmer,” says the balloonist.
“I am,” replies the woman. “How did you know?”
“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.”
The woman below says, “You must be a project manager”
“I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” says the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.”
Source: joblatino.com
5. PM Mechanic
A project manager, a hardware engineer, and a software engineer were in a car heading down a hill when the brakes failed. The driver managed to get it stopped by using the gears and a convenient dirt track.
All three jumped out and after peering under the car the hardware engineer said, “I see what the problem is and with this handy roll of duct tape I think I can fix it good enough to get us to the next town”.
The project manager quickly interrupted, “No, no, no. Before we do anything we need to decide on a vision for our future, figure out a plan, and assign individual deliverables”.
At which point the software engineer said, “You know what, I think we should push the car back up to the top of the hill and see if it happens again”.
Source: blogs.msdn.com/saraford
6. Body Parts
The body parts argue over who should be in charge.
The brain says it should be in charge because it keeps everything running.
The blood says it should be in charge because it delivers oxygen to everything else.
The stomach says it should be in charge because it provides energy.
Suddenly, the rectum speaks up and says it should be in charge because it is in charge of getting rid of waste.
They all laugh at the rectum and call it names. Frustrated, the rectum shuts down and stops working. Soon the brain is hurting, the stomach is all bloated, and the blood is full of toxins. So, they give in and let the rectum be in charge.
You do not always have to be smart to be in charge, just an ***hole.
Source: brighthubpm.com
7. The Glass
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the project manager, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be!
Source: businessballs.com
8. Golf
A pastor, a doctor, and a project manager were playing golf together one day and were waiting for a particularly slow group ahead. The project manager exclaimed, “What’s with these people? We’ve been waiting for over half an hour! It’s a complete disgrace.”
The doctor agreed, “They’re hopeless, I’ve never seen such a rabble on a golf course.”
The pastor spotted the approaching greenkeeper and asked that person what was going on, “What’s happening with that group ahead of us? They’re surely too slow and useless to be playing, aren’t they?”
The greenkeeper replied, “Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.”
The three golfers fell silent for a moment. The pastor said, “Oh dear, that’s so sad. I shall say some special prayers for them tonight.” The doctor added, rather meekly, “That’s a good thought. I’ll get in touch with an ophthalmic surgeon friend of mine to see if there’s anything that can be done for them.”
After pondering the situation for a few seconds, the project manager turned to the greenkeeper and asked, “Why can’t they play at night?”
Source: businessballs.com
9. The Frog
A project manager was out walking in the countryside one day when a frog called out to that person. The PM bent down, picked up the frog, and put it in the pocket. The frog poked its head out of the pocket and said, “Hey, if you kiss me, I’ll turn myself back into an attractive gem, and I’ll stay with you for a week as your lover.”
The project manager took the frog out of the pocket, smiled at it, and put it back into the pocket.
The frog called out once more, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for as long as you wish and do absolutely anything that you want.” Again the PM took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and put it back.
Finally, the frog demanded, “What’s the matter? You can turn me back into a gorgeous, and I’ll stay with you forever and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The project manager replied, “Understand, I’m a project manager. I simply don’t have time for a partner. But a talking frog…that’s cool.”
Source: businessballs.com
10. Resource Management
An interviewer asked a job applicant “How come your age is 35 and experience is 40 yrs.?”.
The response came “Overtime Sir!”
Source: theknowledgecatalysts.blogspot.com